Every summer comes and I dread it. It comes and I know I will
be battling through the summer sun in too many clothes because GOD FORBID I didn't
not cover up. I would wear leggings and skirt and tops. For years I would have
a hoody on and give in when it got too hot and wear a short sleeved one when it got too hot. Last
year I braved wearing cardigans instead. I never really enjoyed the freedom
that I wish I could enjoy in summer.
I thought that’s it next summer I will lose weight and I
will be summer ready (took a few summers ahah). I will be bare legged and just in a t-shirt and it will
be amazing. To a BIG surprise to me it didn't happen. I may of lost around 50lbs.
I’m 2-3 clothes sizes smaller. I have clothes now that I want and more or less
everything I want and the styles I like fit me now! But getting my arms and
legs out wasn't an easy transaction as I thought it would be.
I decided I would never be ready to go bare legged and
instead focused on my top half. I just started with t-shirts. That is a nice in-between
I thought, nice and cool without having all the top of my arms out and the
added bonus of not getting horrendously sun burnt again. I started off around
the house and little trips like to my Grandma’s and to too the super market. It
was harder than I thought and now looking back I don’t know what I was so hung
up on it!
I eventually realised no one was looking or staring or
poking fun at me, actually no one cared and I started to notice people outside
in hoody’s in the heat far more than anyone just wearing a damn t-shirt! I had
to wonder if they too were insecure.
Then when we went on holiday I longed to have the holiday
feeling, not be cramped up in leggings and what not. So on the first day I
braved on some skin coloured tights…. I went to Morrions and to my surprise the world didn't
end, no one looked or stared and actually maybe I just had regular legs. SO I
decided to have skin coloured legs all holiday. Unfortunately my tights ripped
that night and could either do ripped tights or just go o’natural. I did
however have some biker style shorts from ASOS and I put them on instead. Matt
said there was little difference between them and tights so I went with it! I
walked along the beach and it felt amazing! Again no one really looked and the
world didn't end and I felt less stupid than when I was down at the seaside in
my leggings!
Anyway as I was away and ‘free’ on holiday I was fine and I
even found myself wishing for smaller legs but correcting myself into wishing
for more confidence. I know that is something I can change, why would I focus
on something that I cannot. When it came to doing on the way home and going
through lakeside I quickly felt very uncomfortable and changed my mind alas.
But it was a big step in the right direction!
So the last few weeks I've been debating how much I want to
go bare legged for the summer, how much I loved it on holiday. I don’t really like the layered up effect of
leggings and I just want to do it so much. The only thing in my way is in my
head! But my head is a powerful thing that gets in the way and stops me doing
something. I know that I’m not huge and I know that my legs are just legs and
to be honest anyone that doesn't like my legs can go stick it! But it’s easier
said than done to get over that.
Finally though yesterday I went to the cinema in my new
shorts and today I’m at work with just skin coloured tights on. I’m not that
fussed about doing it at work because to be honest I don’t really care what I wear
but it’s been a big change in my brain. I think I just need to do these things
and prove to myself that nothing bad happens and my brain is over reacting.
Rocking out with my legs out! So comfy when it's hot to go to the cinema in!
It is such a free feeling being happy and comfortable and
feeling like I fit in with everyone else. I’m so fed up of planning what I wear
based on how I can fit leggings and a cardigan into this outfit. Or thinking no
I can’t wear that because it wouldn't work with this or that.
Instead I’ve been chucking on a t-shirt and a skirt and at
the moment I seem to be sticking to tights they give me that little ‘safety’
feeling that I think I need.
I thought I would just love myself when I lost weight and in
actual fact I needed to work on it and I still am but I’m getting there. These hang
up I have had for years and just in the back of my mind being miserable because
I bought clothes ‘I thought’ I could wear instead of what I wanted to wear is such
an amazing feeling. I really am beginning to feel comfortable with myself and I’m
just beaming inside! I feel very settled and not like I’m trying to constantly
achieve something.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense it’s something that’s
hard to express and something I don’t feel like I want to share with everyone
as it is something quite personal. It also give me a lot of pride with the
weight loss and also the mental changes I am making. It’s also great to not be
focused on ‘when I lose weight I will be able to….’ Instead I’m just being me
here and now and although I want to lose a little bit more it’s not the main
goal and I realise that is not going to bring me the happiness and comfortable
feeling that I have been searching for!
SO the myths of weight loss to me were when you do it, IT
WILL BRING YOU HAPPINESS. The fact is that actually you need to work on you and
how you see yourself! You need to realise that you are amazing and to be honest
with you they are just arms and legs and EVERYONE has them! You can be happy
you just have to let go of those insecurities! But again that isn’t something
that disappears over night! Baby steps seem to be working well for me... one thing at a time. Now it all seems less terrifying. But through all the hard work it is sooo worth it
in the end!
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