Today is awful. I feel awful. My throat hurts and my head
and my heart feels like someone tore it out again. Things get a little better
with Matt and EVERYTIME, I’m stupid enough to think hey this is it, this is the
end of all this awfulness. But instead I find out he has no plans to have a
future with me, and he is going to give it till February to see if he can get
over it. If not I’m gone. So yeah. I have 4 months to wait until he splits up
with me. Obviously I’m not enough because surely after 8 months he would be
feeling better by now. So I will plod along for 4 more months. Suffer through
Christmas and the winter, and then I guess we will go our separate ways in February.
I thought, I BELIEVED that this would sort itself out. I really did. Now I don’t.
I’ve lost all the will I ever had to fight and now I will wait for February to
come and I will be alone. I guess as it should be. I’m so drained. I don’t know
what to do or what to think……. Today at work feels horrible, I can’t even musta
the energy to move, let alone work all day… I just want to cry. I always want to
cry now…. I don’t really remember what it feels like to be happy and to feel
loved. Because I don’t believe that he loves me when he makes me feel like
this.
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