Oh Hey there 2017

My blog has gone to die in a dusty corner the last half a year, and now with 2017 coming around I would like to revive it with a slightly new outlook and theme. Ok I have a long rambley post coming up for you.

I'm gunna start by getting a little deep here, I have terrible self-confidence and self esteem which I have mentioned in other posts. I know I've always compensated with my lack of self-esteem by focusing on what I wear and the way I want to look to people, but I finally realised that is damaging to my mental state and I am just so tired and fed up with feeling this way. So I sort of lost interest in blogging as I kind of started this blog as a documentation of outfits.

I decided to unfollow a lot of fashion bloggers over social media websites. I realised that looking at these gorgeous well put together woman who looked perfect was really taking a toll on how I viewed myself and putting unnecessary pressure on myself to look a certain way. Days out were over powered by an urge to put together an outfit and take pictures to blog about to be part of this community, that I had managed to drown myself in every day. I know most of these bloggers enjoy what they are doing and it makes them feel great and brings them happiness, but it doesn’t for me. I feel kind of enlightened to realise that.

What I wanted was to just relax, I want to grow out my blonde hair, I want to chuck on a t-shirt, skirt and just go. And I want to enjoy whatever I’m doing that day and just do it and not focus on what outfit I am wearing. Does any of this make sense? I hope it does. I sat and wondered why I just don’t do this….. really I had no reason.

However I don't want to loose this blog and its posts as its also serves as a great place to remember great memories from the last few years. So as of 2017 I will use this space to document memories I want to save forever and also share what makes me happy.... I may even get back to reviewing movies and other shows and books I enjoy.

On a different note last year I also went from 'yeah I like Anime' to OH MY FUCKING GOD I FELL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AND I CANNOT GET OUT. I have been consumed and you know what I am so happy with that.

It started way back in July I think after Hyper Japan. I’ve always been shipping boy/boy as long as I can remember. It started with Placebo back in my early teenage years, and has followed me through into adulthood. At the summer Hyper Japan (I was in full Cherik overdrive) and was busy looking for any artwork made for them when I found a Junjou Romantica art book. If you are unaware of what that is, it’s a yaoi (boy love) manga/anime. Matt bought it for me as he had seen World’s great first love (Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi) and said it was good which is set in the same universe as Junjou Romantica and we watched it when we got home.

It then exploded from there and before I knew it I was obsessed. And I am ok with that, because it bought me a lot of happiness and made me realise that actually what I was putting my energy into wasn’t bringing me happiness. So it kind of acted as a turning point for me haha!

What I love as well is it is never ending. There are so many genres and styles once you have finished an anime there are mangas and it is just never ending. I’ve absolutely fallen in love with Haikyuu!! And Yuri!!! On Ice. As well as Ten count, Free!, Love Stage, Kiss him, not me, Barkamon the list seriously just goes on and on.

Anyway, that’s a small update of why this blog has been so quiet. I have a few posts from 2016 that I want to write and update over the next 2 weeks (destination Star Trek, Placebo, Hyper Japan and Christmas)

So Happy New Year bloggers and expect to see more adventures, collectables and things that bring me a lot of happiness.

New blog posts of my new journey!

So I start this with GOOD NEWS! We got the flat and put a holding deposit down hurrah! As long as the credit checks go ok and everything goes swimmingly this time next month we should be getting ready to move! Eeep it is exceptionally exciting.

I was very stressed out last week. I thought that I would know by the end of Tuesday if I was able to put down a deposit. It wasn't until Friday morning that I heard back and I excitedly put down my holding deposit!

Friday was a great day, I was in a great mood from that news and then a cider at lunch put me in a pretty jolly mood for the rest of the day! I then got home and the Friday before I had won a competition from Punky Pins and my necklace and collar clips had arrived as well as my Mumford and Sons album.

We filled out our forms and Saturday morning we headed off to Redhill to hand in our forms for the flat. We weren't in a great mood, I was stressed from trying to sort out car insurance and I have no idea why Matt was annoyed. We handed in the forms and then got Matt some lunch ate that in the car and on the way home I swung in to look at a second hand furniture store.

We were hoping not to need a new bed, but it looked like we would need to get one…. Our current one is quite mouldy, the slats keep snapping and it’s ripped holes in the carpet! It’s annoying as the bed is only about 2 years old! We went into the store had a good look around; I had no plans on buying anything just to get some ideas. Upstairs there were lots of beds, most looked in good condition but used (curled up corners and bobbling etc.) However in the corner there was a Divan 4 draw base and mattress. The thing looked almost perfect, and there were even strikers still on it. There was absolutely no sign of wear on it, only a few marks that looked like it gained from getting it into the warehouse! I had been looking at getting a base and that worked out at around £200-£300 for a cheap one with 2-4 draws…. I was however a little put off with the fact that it was a the cheapest I could find. One thing I have learnt is cheap beds are not always a good idea they tend to fall apart.

We noticed the bed was a ‘Sealy’ bed and we looked that up. It is a well-known brand and their beds vary between £500-£1,500! It’s a long going brand and is sold everywhere! There however was no tag in and we worried it had been sold… BUT SUCCESS it hadn't and then the even better news……. It was £95! £95 for what looked like an almost new Sealy divan 4 draw bed! We were so excited and few phone calls to my folks and then my grandma, we bought it! Took a trip home in the car with the draws and then 2 more trips in my Dad’s van but we got it back and it is now sitting in my Grandma’s garage. I am SO SO PLEASED with this find and that’s ones big expense that is now sorted out.

So my Saturday disappeared in the blink of an eye, I didn’t even have time for any lunch. We then went to see the film ‘Big Game’… it was awful…. So so bad I’m not even going to write about.

Sunday my sister talked me into going to ‘Cowpie’ which was a farming event! I sorted out my car insurance (which I am NOT HAPPY WITH AT ALL! It’s gone up!) and I popped round to see my Aunt and me and Sarah went to the Cowpie…. I actually ended up having a wonderful time and wish we had gone a bit earlier as it was a BEAUTIFUL day and there was so much to do! I took a few photos….

Sunday was quite relaxed compared to Saturday, although I think it went even quicker. We enjoyed ice creams while watching ferret racing, looked at craft stalls and went and looked at lots of farm animals… my highlight was that I got to hold a tortoise!

Next weekend I think we need to start to sort out all our junk. I may possibly take my Grandma to Brighton as we were meant to go this Saturday but she was unwell. Worked out well or we wouldn’t of found the bed! Other than that we are under even stricter MUST SAVE EVERY PENNY RULES! Every little counts towards us moving…. The flat is available a month today (11^th June) but now they are going to re-carpet the place so I think we will be looking at either the 20^th or the 27^th June or around there. I am hoping maybe even 4^th July because that means I can save a little extra money before we move in… and hey it’s only an extra week or two to wait… I’ve waited about 4 years so far!

I am hoping this week goes nice and quickly and maybe I will continue to be blessed with this good fortune I have had recently! Have a lovely week all. 

My first experience of flat hunting

So, yes the title says it all, my first experience of flat hunting. On Friday around 4pm a flat popped up, it was in an ok location and it was a good price, however the pictures really didn't sell it to me. I've seen loads come up and go and I’ve not bothered because I planned on saving some more and start looking at the end of May. Something pulled me in and requested a viewing not thinking much about it. I agreed to 1:30pm the following day. To be honest I really wasn't bothered about seeing it, I was sure I wouldn't like it.

We turned up and luckily the estate agent actually turned up this time, unlike our first ever viewing. We went in and we were really impressed. The décor was a little run down, and the carpet was a bit past it. However the rooms were huge, much bigger than I imagined. We had a good look and were impressed by all the storage.. there was something that really took our fancy with this flat.

We then left actually seriously considering it. I hadn't realised but it wasn't available until mid-June so it worked out perfectly timing wise. It is close enough to Matt’s work he could walk and the location was minutes away from the town centre.

We then got in the flat hunting mood and ended up seeing another flat… we hated it. It was run down tiny smelly and horrible. We were told to ‘use our imaginations’ ugh! I was so excited on Saturday that we ended up going off to Ikea for a trip to get ideas and feel homey!

On Sunday I made the decision that YES! We were both happy and we both wanted to go for it. It was the bank holiday however which meant I had to wait all of Sunday AND THEN all of Monday. First thing Tuesday I called up with some questions.

HOWEVER, the estate agent has been waiting to get hold of the Landlord. I believe my questions have been answered and he is now waiting for the landlord to choice between us and another person. I haven’t had much contact and to be honest with you it has been PAINFUL… I am so tense. I think we put FAR FAR too much hope in this little flat. I started to picture living there, where furniture would go and how I would do my Christmas decorations. I have learnt a lesson, well a few lessons. Lesson 1. Don’t put all your hopes on it! Lesson 2. What questions to ask in the viewing! Lesson 3. How it all works now.

So it is now the end of day 3 and I have restrained myself from calling every hour to check how it is going to just a friendly ‘any news?’ email. Part of me wanted them to call today and rather than my ready meal and the gym me and Matt would go off and celebrate with a huge dinner.

I was just so excited to get my own space and really start a fresh. I know I have been planning this for a long time but it has happened so quickly this week and weekend. I am trying to stay calm now and I have booked more viewings to go to on Monday so let’s hope these pay off. I won’t lie, I don’t have high hopes this will be ours and I hope next time I post I will be celebrating. 

On the plus side perhaps we can put moving out off for another month which means I will have over double the savings to spend afterwards and maybe even get that holiday I have been dreaming of!

For now I will try and keep my heart rate and blood pressure down and try to stop phone watching…. Maybe if I refresh my e-mails enough SOMEONE WILL CALL??!!!???

I will just keep reminding myself that it will happen, and it will be soon. Not a 'this time next year' situation like it was last year! But maybe this time next month! *fingers crossed*

Happy Thursday all. 

Years are changing faster than I can keep up!

In the last year and the last few years things have changed dramatically for me. I've wanted to kinda get this 'off my chest' for a while now.

Its always scary and seems like the biggest thing you've done, going to college, moving away to Uni. However when you have to join the adult world and everything in your life changes, literally everything that is the scariest thing.

So two years ago I was working towards finishing my degree. I had one more month to get it all wrapped up and then I had my end of year show and my graduation to attend (as well as the worse sun burn I have ever and will ever have!!)

Although I was 23 I did not feel like an adult at all. I was still a student and my future just seemed like a million miles off. I had been saying ‘Oh I’m a student getting a degree’ for years and years…. Then it was scary because within months I would have a degree and I would be chucked out into the adult world and made to work five days a week.

But here I am second job of my career. A job I actually really quite like (compared to the first job I had). My first job they knew and I think they could see I was new to all this and nervous and pretty useless at first.

Now I've gotten into the swing of things and I am treated like an employee, where I am now and not like a child. I also feel much more valued and in control.

So it’s scary to think where I was 2 years ago. 2014 is a big change for me. New job, new outlook on life and saving saving saving to hopefully have my own place by this time next year! I am so desperate now to get out on my own with Matt. Have my own space and my own life.

My inner self has also changed which is partly to do with my outer self. I go to the gym twice a week now. If you had told me that a few years ago I would have LAUGHED in your face. I avoided any conversation with the topic of working out and exercise. I was embarrassed I was so over weight and did no exercise at all. I did nothing to look after my body.

Now I eat much better and I work out as hard as I can twice a week for an hour. I am beginning to really see the benefits. Plus before that I swam twice a week for an hour each time from August to November. So in 4 months’ time I would have been exercising and looking after myself for a year! I didn't know I could have the dedication or motivation to do that! The way I view myself is much better and higher than it used to be. I felt fat and ugly and just a useless lump. I still have ‘lump’ days but now my confidence and self-esteem has sky rocketed. I am working really hard on my mental balance with this at the moment. Although losing weight has been a MASSIVE factor in this, when I stop losing and plateau the insecurities creep back and the confidence slips. I will not allow this again, and I will keep the weight off and just focus on looking after myself now.

Moving on to weight loss which is a massive thing to me... In my first year at Uni I put on 2 stone when I got a new car and learnt to drive. Laziness and the new found freedom to go and buy food whenever and wherever I wanted was obviously too tempting and I literally lost all confidence and love for myself. I started wearing baggy clothes and black, a lot of black. Clothes started to become a problem to buy too. I started to creep into plus size clothes and I never saw anything I liked. Although it is 'only' clothes, wearing things you don't like just to hide yourself begins to drag you down. You want to show off you and your personality and it's just hidden beneath so many negative thoughts.

So it was hoodies and clothes that I could hide in. I hated summer and enjoyed winter when I could pile on more layers. My doctor politely suggested if I could I could lose some weight and it was a kick in the bum. I started swimming, changed my eating habits and dropped 1-2stone. I got back to what I was more or less before I put on 2 stone. But it didn’t take long to get unhappy again and this 'change' didn't last long. Clothes were still a slight issue and I still felt like a ‘lump’ next to friends and family.

I hated it and when I was asked to be bridesmaid I was so excited to see my best friend get married. However the fear of looking for dresses washed over me quietly. The dresses that were picked were lovely, but they were WAY out of my comfort zone. I SQUEEZED into an 18 which was the largest size they did and when I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry. I am grateful for the dress bought for me and I am touched and grateful to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but the insecurities that I had just torn me apart inside a pure fear of wearing something that showed off everything I hated about myself rather than hiding it was terrifying. So I got it in my head a panic to lose 51lbs before the wedding. I did really well and lost over a stone in a few months but hit a massive road block with Matt. That was hard enough and I stopped losing weight alas. It gave me enough confidence to feel less fearful of showing parts of my body I hated off but it was still there in the back of my mind. (Although it was worth it to be Laura’s bridesmaid).

Over the next year I did a bit of ‘healthy eating’/dieting on and off and lost around 20-30lbs in total (plus the bit before whne i first started) and in August last year I just kicked it into full force. I was proud of myself and I felt amazing. I lost around another 1-2 stone. Anyway in total so far I have lost 5 stone. I have toned up and gained a sense of pride for my body. I don’t feel any different and when I look in the mirror I don’t see any difference either.

But I know there is a difference, I've gone from a dress size of around 18 to 14 or even sometimes a 12. My old clothes don’t fit and I have a new sense of style, I want to try clothes that I have always a avoided for fear of making me seem bigger. This winter just gone I rocked some jumpers and now I am dress obsessed. The outfits I always felt to ugly to wear and feel like I can wear them now and tbh I realise I could of worn them whenever I wanted to because in actual fact I was never too ugly that was all in my head. I can now go shopping and rather than not buying anything because nothing fits, instead it’s because I haven’t seen anything I really like or that it did quite suit me the way I thought. I have enough choice now I don’t feel the need to BUY IT BECAUSE IT FITS and then buy it 4x over because once I wear it to death I won’t be able to find something that fits that well again. There is a lot more choice for me now!

I have had a bit of a shopping SPLUR since the autumn. People may laugh but DAMN IT I’M ALLOWED I earn my own money now and I finally am buying clothes that I LOVE AND ADORE dressing in a style that I have always wanted to dress in but shyed away from because of my lack of self-confidence, plus there is much more choice for me now (and my old summer clothes no longer fit). I threw out most my hoodies keeping only a few to lounge around in and got in some skater skirts and dresses. I feel cute and girly now and I feel pretty with a quirky edge to the way I look. I finally feel the way I have always wished I felt. This is big for me after spending all my teenage years and most my adult life HATING every inch of myself and WISHING so hard to be someone else. To finally feel comfortable in my own skin and to have people online comment on my dresses and hair; the way that I look at other people I admire online just throws my confidence through the roof.

This is all come through self-confidence I found. I found mine from growing up, proving I could get myself well educated with a degree, prove that I can GET a job in design and do well at it! Then I the weight loss and looking after my body has allowed me to wear what I’ve always wanted to wear and be who I always wanted to be.

I do wish I could sit down with myself though and get this ‘loving your body whatever way it is’ message into my head years ago. I don’t regret losing weight and getting fitter, but I do regret how long I let myself hate me for just because I didn’t like my body.

However 2014 is the year I WILL GO OUT in the summer with no cardigan on and maybe no leggings on! It will be the year where I excel at my new job, illustrate more and sell my designs. It will be the year I pay off this DEBT that has been hanging over my head for years and years now and it will be the year where I FINALLY look at getting my own place. It will be the yeah I love myself and start my life.

Bank Holiday Easter and what nots

I haven’t updated in quite a while so and hey it’s a Friday post not a Monday post. Wahey.

I am counting the days down till the weekend. Alas this time last week it was the Easter bank holiday and it was sunny rather than this disgusting grey fog and rain. I was also at home.

The Easter break was exceptionally pleasant; although it was quiet I really enjoyed it and appreciated the relaxing time. This month has been tough one; money wise and I put some bits on eBay in hope to afford my flamingo dress. I ended up making well over £100 and was thrilled. I haven’t got my dress as of yet, but I did put the rest towards a holiday! It’s only a little holiday to the coast for 5 days in a caravan. I have used my club card vouchers for money towards pizza express and entry into a zoo. I have been craving some space and just time away on our own with Matt and I AM SOOO EXCITED. I am going to try and kick my healthy eating into full swing and I want to lose 12lbs before I go! And once I do that I will reach my ultimate goal the goal I set at the beginning over 50lbs away that I honestly thought was unachievable! But I’m close I’ve been close since December but I haven’t really got back into it since Christmas so now I have 2 months to do it! I know it’s doable and I WILL DO IT!

So Friday I saw a friend and then me and Matt saw Spider Man at the cinema. It was really good and I really enjoyed it! It was quite shocking at the end I wasn’t expecting that!

Saturday was quite relaxed I had to go and post all my eBay parcels but other than that I didn’t do much. I did however make a delicious stir fry! And Then Easter Sunday was spent as usual with my Grandma and Family. We had a delicious roast and I was SPOILT with chocolate so much so by Monday I was SICK OF THE STUFF!

I LOVE LOVE MINI EGGS, and although I love them I am glad they are out of season now! No more till next year. But I was very excited to receive this rather large egg!

After getting home Sunday we headed off to the cinema again and saw transcendence, to be honest it wasn’t very good. I mean it was ok but not great.

Monday we were feeling rather full and lazy and just wanted to get out for a bit so we went to beaver water world. It was a tiny place and saw some animals like merkats and reptiles (no beavers though??), it was a nice though and the money goes to the charity looking after these animals. The sun was out to and we had a coffee sitting outside which I have missed all winter!

It was back to work Tuesday and it’s been a loooong week. Dylan had to be put to sleep on Wednesday evening, I was gutted and my sister was exceptionally kind and paid the £140 (it was out of hours) poor little man his tumour split. So yesterday and today I haven’t been quite as cheerful as I could have been. I do really miss him and now I have none and I feel a little empty now. Plus he was just so lovely I miss him a lot.

But I know he is pain free now and I hope he is somewhere nice and I hope it’s full of strawberry popcorn!

So this weekend is another quiet one. I need to save money as this last month has left me in the red and I need to put a bit of money away for my holiday!

I will end with two pictures that cheer me up.

My sister is looking after a friend’s hedgehog! He was soooo freaking cute and sharp!

And a motivation boosts to see how far I have come! Because sometimes I put myself down too much and forget how far I have come!

Happy Weekend!

Wednesday Blues!

So I have discovered blog lovin! Its great I can add all my favourite blogs in one place! I’m sure people may be going PFFT get with the times Toria!!!

So I am stuck at work again and I am really struggling at the moment. I am doing a project that I really really hate doing and then when mixed with the fact that it will be a week tomorrow until I leave makes it even harder to pull my finger out my ass and do what I have to do. I am also falling asleep today.

We went to gym again yesterday; we had a meeting with the trainer who set us up last week! He seemed exceptionally pleased with what I’ve done so far, which gave me a massive confidence boost, which in turn got me to work twice as hard last night. That made me feel good until today when I’m now feeling INSANELY tired. I could just dooze off right here in my chair to be perfectly honest with you. Oh well let’s keep focused! Or a least try only 1 and a half hours left!

I’m super excited for Friday as me and Matt will be heading home, but then we will be heading up to Nottingham :) I’m really looking forward to that. I can’t wait to spend some actual time with Laura rather than a hour or two when she happens to be down and of course it will be lovely to Sammi too!

So I added some more bits on to my Christmas list. These are from Topshop, the whole lot was more than I would spend on myself but when it’s a gift I think you are meant to get the things you wouldn’t usually buy! I can’t wait to match! It goes soo well with my fluffy coat and matches really nicely with my navy blue parka!

This week/weekend has shocked me with the exceptionally low prices! Everyone and everywhere had some sort of sale, and some were massive sales like 50% off. As I am being good I didn’t give into temptation well just one thing and I blame Matt. We popped to Tesco on Saturday to get the food shopping. I had planned on doubling my club cards but it didn’t work and Matt insisted I got it anyhoo. It’s just the loveliest dress and it had 25% off and I also got some adorable PJ’s

Oh that reminds me too I invested in this at Primark. One thing I do love about Primark is they make some really unusual things and they start some big trends like the onesie! Matt said it was hideous and he calls it a raggedy rug because he claims it looks like a carpet but I highly disagree! It is seriously the most comfortable thing I have ever worn and its long enough I can wear it without PJ bottoms on! I LOVE IT and I’m obsessed at the thought of getting into after work.

To round this off I will just say WOOO CHRISTMAS. We are now officially into December Christmas has begun and I have started opening my Advent Calendar! I cannot wait for Christmas and a bit of time off I am exhausted I truly am.

And in the spirit of things as I DO EVERY YEAR I pulled out my red Barry M glitter nail polish and this will pretty much be what my nails will look like for the next 4 weeks :D I even got daring and added some hand drawn snowflakes on, don’t think it looked too bad!

I have consumed a few mince pies, I have my Christmas songs on in the car and tonight I plan to start to wrap some gifts! Christmas is VERY MUCH in the air for me!

The weather is shit

My god this week has been so so so BUSY! Tuesday I had to get loads of work books finished and completed and out by the time I left, that did not happen and I didn’t get home till 8:30!! JEEZ! Then on the Wednesday I was busy doing another work book that was needed to be completed done and bound with feedback sheets by lunchtime today. I did that! And it’s gone and now this afternoon I don’t have very much to do! Which is nice as it isn’t stressful, but at the same time it makes time go very slowly! Only just got back from lunch I usually eat around 12:30ish and take lunch around 12:45-13:45 but I took it from 13:20:14:20 which is kinda good as it means there is less afternoon and ON TOP OF THAT I got in 10 minutes early today and that means I can leave at 17:05 wooopa! And then tomorrow is the LOVELY LOVELY weekend.

I have no real plans for tomorrow or Sunday. Might see Gem I guess on Sunday. Might just have some ‘me’ time on the Saturday. Got to go Reigate for 1pm and then I may go on into Croydon. I really want a new bag and I’m not really sure what I want. So I think I will go and have a look around….

I saw an amazing iPad case on Wednesday and now I highly regret not buying it. It was Marvel and all old comic book style. Might keep my eyes peeled for that too!

I’m not feeling overly happy this week. I guess the realisation that me and Matt aren’t getting better has hit home. I want to so much and sometimes I feel that he doesn’t want to. I’m sure that’s not the case but meh. I am truly sorry but that doesn’t seem to matter. And I’ve pushed all my friends away so I’m pretty fucking lonely half the time. I go to work, come home, and go to work. Le sigh.

At least I won’t have to go to work. Instead I get to sit on my own for two days.

Anyway I’m depressing myself.

I better crack on with the few bits I have to do this afternoon. Only just over 2 hours of the week left. Hurrah.