Dresses, and France in a few days YAAAAAY

Ok so after work I did decide to go shopping! I found pretty much nothing. Boo

It took me like 1-2 hours to get there as I got stuck on the M25 so by the time we got there we only had about an hour pfft! I did however find this super cute top, It's a peplum top with cute little owls on it and it has a cute peter pan collar!

I then went to Crawley with Gem on Saturday and found nothing again, it was WAAAY TOO busy! So today I decided to rick it as I am desperate to get some cute bits for France! I CAME INTO LUCK and I found lots of things!

I got this dress in a burgundy, its lovely and from primark £13! Bargin, looks sooo nice. I also got this snood that was £4 and is MASSIVE! Like seriously massive! and a new cardigan for £6 as I do love Primark cardigans even though they get holes and lose thier shape they are so soft and cheap!

I also go this stripe dress. I thought, nooo stripes make you look wider, but when I put it on I was like WOWZA I LOVE IT! I think with a colour cardy and a nice big scarf it will look so cute! This was also £13 in Primark!

Then I found this is NewLook. They did not have it the last few days when I have been hunting! It's super cute and only £17. Its sooo silky soft and I love it, its more purple than red like the other one! It will go very nice with my new snood!.

 

So I am really excited now as I am going to France in 2 days and I have amazing things to wear! AND I FEEL so cute in them, which is what I wanted, and surprisingly they are all really nice lengths! I can't wait to wear these, and we are there for 3 whole days and then 2 half days so I have an outfit a day :D wooohooo.

I believe we are going to Anger and also going to the Zoo at some point too! I think I will take an extra dress in case we go out for dinner, well if I can squeeze it in my hand luggage as that is all I am taking! Matt most likey wont take much so maybe i'll squeeze some in his mwuahahah!

I am feeling much better about myself and things today, even though I have the worst possible headache ever.

Anyways toodle pips and goodnight x

Might get me some dresses!

So I have been thinking about this whole I HATE EVERYTHING own clothes wise conundrum. I think the problem is with wearing hoody’s and stuff, it makes me feel quite frumpy and unattractive. I want to feel and look more girly and pretty. I know a lot of it is to do with my lack of confidence…. But I feel nice in dresses and I would like to wear them and tights and boots and be all wintery and stuff. I don’t want to wear hoodys and leggings all the time anymore! Even when I go shopping with friends I feel dead frumpy and blaaaghhh! I don’t want to feel like that anymore! At the same time I feel too gross to be pretty in a dress :/ I just can’t win ahhhhhh…..

Still. I’m going to go shopping tonight to try and find some cute bits and bobs to wear and I would like some new stuffs for France! I want to feel cute and not like a porker! I want to wear nice things! Baaah

I don’t even know why this is always such an issue for me. I found the cutest dress on Asos though, it has ducks on it and I want it :D

So I’m going to WIZZZZ home and eat lasagne and then WIZZZ to Lakeside with Matthew and drag him dress shopping >.< I may get a burger king…. Maybe I do quite fancy it. BUT THEN I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT! God I just love food too much!

I am really hoping to find some nice dresses!!

I’m also super hungry now and there isn’t very much for me to do for the next 45minutes, hence why I am writing this blog entry…..

I went to see the film ‘Dred’ last night, well that’s what I thought it was called, and it was HURRENDOUS. It was DISGUSTING, seriously it made me feel pretty sick…… blegh! Not ma sorta film, Matt seemed to thoroughly enjoy it though, I spent most the time hiding under my scarf it was that nasty!

Ok so anyways theres only 25 minutes max left of work and I am SUPER READY for the weekend bring it on!!

I'm not very well at the moment D:

I felt so unwell yesterday I got to work half hour late and was sent home half an hour later! >.<

Waste of an hour and half drive to and from. But I didn’t want to call in sick as I have a holiday booked next week and I felt bad, I didn’t want to ruin my chances of getting to keep this job here! Things have been soooo quiet for the last two weeks and I am worried that there will not be enough here for me to stay D:

I’m hoping to get some noms with Matthew tonight and then go see a film :D probably shouldn’t as I still don’t feel too well and I need to sleep but I really wanna get out and spend some time with Matt! I still feel crappy about what I wear and I can’t seem to find anything that I feel I look nice in :/ boooooooo! I know it’s all in my head and I am a little crazy about things like this but meh…. It’s so annoying…. I should just wear what I feel comfortable in, but instead I spend way too much time worrying about what other people may or may not think about me….. GAH I’m so frustrating and it gets worse when I’m upset, and I am not feeling that great about the whole me and Matt situation at the moment!. Booooo

I sobbed in the car yesterday afternoon, I then sobbed in the café while trying to eat my lunch… He breaks my heart and there would appear there is nothing I can do about it D: I wish I could go back in time; I would do anything to go back in time to change things…. Maybe we would even be looking forward to a wedding soon, or looking at flats. Instead he sees no future with me. And it makes me so sad because I’m still me; I’m still Toria, the girl he feel in love with. I just made a shitty mistake that I will regret till the day I die…. Alas.

So when I get sad like this I focus on stupid things like the fact I hate everything I wear and own! And I am feeling such hatred for myself today. Blegh.

Theres still an hour and a half of work left and I cannot wait to get home….. it gets so stuffy and cramped in her, I hate sitting still for so long in one little room :/

I don't feel well

Ok so things aren’t feeling fantastic right now. Just wish me and Matt would work soo badly. I love him to pieces and I wish he still felt the same back D:

AHhh well I guess I will just wait and hope….

Anyway. Finally thought of gifts for my birthday. I’m getting Mumford and Sons tickets from my nan and this really pretty skull dress from my sister.

It’s super nice and it was in the sale online. Would appear I got the last one in my size too as they are no longer available. I thought it was really cute.!

I did meet up with Laura at the weekend. I got these amazing Penguin slippers in Primark!

 They are so cute, she picked some bits up in Primark that I liked for my birthday too so that will be cool…. I dunno what Matt is going to get me. At the moment I don’t want anything. I feel so unwell today. Seriously I feel like I am coming down with a stinking cold…. Seriously its horrible. My head and throat are killing me…. D:

The weekend was quite nice, had a very relaxing day on Sunday, just chilled out and had roast dinner with my mum and Dad…. I’m tempted to get Dominos pizza AGAIN, I eat it way TOOO MUCH. Like about 6 in the last two weeks. I’m such a pig ugh! But I feel awful and light choices ready meal just ain’t going to cut it today.

I also got this skirt yesterday, I won it on eBay and I completely forgot and I love it! Got it for like £2 or something silly like that! It’s perfect for work and pretty comfy, the waist band is a little annoying but meh….

Anyway, I am debating whether to ask to go a little early as I feel awful, but don’t know if that takes the mick! My shoulders have started hurting too now. Awwwwwwwwww I just want to go to bed and I still have to pick Matt up.

I am sooo emotionally drained…… I don’t want to do this anymore with Matt, but I do not know what to do. Maybe I should talk to someone, but at the same time I don’t want to, when I feel like this I just want to be alone and speak with no one… ever. Ugh…

I want my bed.

Life isn't fair

Today is awful. I feel awful. My throat hurts and my head and my heart feels like someone tore it out again. Things get a little better with Matt and EVERYTIME, I’m stupid enough to think hey this is it, this is the end of all this awfulness. But instead I find out he has no plans to have a future with me, and he is going to give it till February to see if he can get over it. If not I’m gone. So yeah. I have 4 months to wait until he splits up with me. Obviously I’m not enough because surely after 8 months he would be feeling better by now. So I will plod along for 4 more months. Suffer through Christmas and the winter, and then I guess we will go our separate ways in February. I thought, I BELIEVED that this would sort itself out. I really did. Now I don’t. I’ve lost all the will I ever had to fight and now I will wait for February to come and I will be alone. I guess as it should be. I’m so drained. I don’t know what to do or what to think……. Today at work feels horrible, I can’t even musta the energy to move, let alone work all day… I just want to cry. I always want to cry now…. I don’t really remember what it feels like to be happy and to feel loved. Because I don’t believe that he loves me when he makes me feel like this.

Today has been a long day.... but the week has flown by!

Ohhhh my, today is a long day I swear. This week has just been so quiet. Seriously I’m even very sure what to do with myself. I have literally been working on the same InDesign files for DAAAAAAAAAAYSSSS now. Ugh… It’s quite frustrating just repeating yourself again and again. Lunch was fairly productive. Bought some fancy pants purple shampoo which I am super excited to try and also got my watch battery fix yaaay!

So I might go swimming tonight, I’m quite excited I love swimming!! And I love swimming with Matt woo! Theres a water slide and all sorts there so it should be good.! I haven’t been swimming in aggges and I’m am worried my hair will go green, but I’m sure I’ll be ok :/ eek…

I cannot wait to see Laura this weekend! I’m not sure what the plans are but anything is good with me!  As long as it’s relaxing and just spending some good time with a friend.

I have gotten back down (an a teeny bit) to the weight I was before I ate 3 dominos pizzas and harvester….. So I happy about that, although now I would kill for pizza. UGH. Ahhh well just 4lbs to go and I will be at the 1^st target I set myself before I go to France! Wooo! I think I should be able to do it. I hope anyway….

 Downloaded Babel, and it is AMAZING, seriously I is beautiful! I can’t wait to listen to it on the way home tonight!

Anyways, only half hour or so left so I better crack on with the nothingness I have to do!

Not feeling great about myself.

Ok so again I am KNACKERED. I had a trouble going to sleep last night for some reason. Laura posted up the wedding pictures and the first thing that sprang to mind was OMG I LOOK LIKE A PREGANANT BEACHED WHALE. Like seriously, it was horrendous. Ugh. It however has made me more determined to get healthy and lose weight. I want to be 180-188lbs by Christmas. Every time time I think about just having a piazza or whatever I’ll remember those photos. Ugh. They are lovely photos though and Laura and Sammi look amazing.

Laura is coming to Caterham at the weekend and I am really hoping to see her. She doesn’t always find time :/ but hopefully she will have an hour or two that would be very nice. I might buy some jumpers at the weekend for work as it is getting very cold. Brrrr…. Autumn is differently on its way which excites me as I love it!

Still can’t decide what I want for my birthday, got the grey Vans from my Ma and Pa in the end and I’m going to get the Avengers Blu-Ray from Sarah, but that’s it…… Makes a change I usually have a list ahaha!

Mumford and Son’s album is out next week and I can’t wait, I’m soooo excited it sounds soo good, well the song I have heard sounds it ahaha…

I cannot wait for lunch, 1. I’m hungry already and 2. I’m going to go nail varnish shopping yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway I must go as we have a webinar to do at work in a minute!! 

My Brain is like mush today.

OK so I am currently sitting at my desk at work and I am struggling not to fall asleep. Seriously I am sooooo freaking tired it is unbelievable. It’s only Tuesday ahhhhhh, still 3 more days to go after this until the weekend, although it is 2 weeks today till my last day at work until my trip to France wooopppeeee .

Seriously I am dozing off here, I’ve had a redbull drink thing and now I am drinking coffee and nothing seems to make me feel less like I am going to pass out/fall asleep where I sit.

The weekend was great fun, did the Brighton thing on the Saturday with Sarah and then met John Barrowman on the Sunday with Cat! He was quite the character, he told Cat her liked her pussy (she was wearing a cat t-shirt) and then spent the time he was signing my book screaming and laughing at his own joke ahha…. Hi sister was super nice too and I got asked lots of questions about my name as usual (I really don’t see Toria being that bizarre of a name?)

I am being a freaking weirdo again and I just cannot pick what to wear. I can’t seem to pick between a black hoody or a purple one. I know the purple one looks better yet I can’t seem to give up the black one, but what would make sense is if I liked both of them to just wear both of them as and when I want. That would make the most amount of sense, but apparently my brain won’t work like that. 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….. I keep going back and forth in my head and my head is going WHO CARES….. but does care and I have no idea why I get like this about what I wear. It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I am insane, or I clearly have a screw lose somewhere.

Anyway the weight loss thing isn’t great at this week as I bought 3 Dominos pizzas over the weekend that me and Matt ate. I couldn’t seem to help myself they are just so yummy and so cheap ahhhhh! Hopefully I get to 208lbs or below before I go to France. It’s only 4-6lbs to go and I have two weeks today….

Today is generally stressful and I’m knackered and STARVING! 

BEAUTIFUL sunny day in Brighton

Ok so me and the sister (Sarah) went to Brighton today. I had planned on doing very little to nothing to relax and recover from the working week, buts Sarah talked me into to going to Brighton and it wa actually relaxing! We just played on the pier, had a milkshake and went on a water ride. I won a Panda bear woooo! Then we chilled out on the beach and paddled in the sea which was freezing and painful on the pebbles. Sarah also had a sketch thing done of us which she failed to look at the camera in any of the photos its was very funny and my hair is so light it didn't draw the top of my head ehehe.

So tomorrow Cat is coming here around 10:15ish and we are heading to Blue Water to meet John Barrowman and his sister at a TorchWood book signing weeeeeeeeeee! It's exciting!

I also picked up this really nice purple hoody. Its a really nice colour! Ended up going to TopMan as the colours they did were soooo much nicer than TopShop and they came up muh longer too!! WOOO. Might get a Grey one too! Maybe.

I managed to give myself a panic attack at work on Friday too. That was super embarrassing D:

I thought I was going to be sick a I've had a tummy ache for the last few days.... and I have a phobia since I was a kid of being sick and I just freaked out a little :(

I hope it doesn't make people think i'm stooopid. :( anyhooo I feel so silly now! 

Anyhoo that is all for today soo byes xx

Nearly Friday woooopaa

Today is quite a long day! There’s not that much to do at work today, I’m mostly working on the works I needed to edit. It’s gone 2:30pm now soo there is only like 2 and a half hours left….. ok that seems quite long now! I’m going to go home and eat lasagne yum yum, healthy choices one of course but it still tastes super yummy! Then me and Matt are going to head into Croydon and have a wonder around and vist Primark. I really want a new bag. I do not need one but I want one that will be more comfy and go with what I wear. I don’t need one but I don’t seem to like any of the ones that I own. Booo. It depends if I can find a cheapy one!

I’m getting super excited for France now and my birthday. I can’t pick between two pairs of Vans I like!!

The black ones are nice but I do wear a lot of black so I may go for the Grey ones as I LOVE LOVE LOVE the colours of those ones! 

They are both super cute though. Maybe I should get both bwahahaha.

Anyhooo I hope I find something in Croydon!

Byesie

I never update. I am going to try and change this!

I have been very lucky in securing myself a job here as a graphic designer. I say securing, but I haven’t I don’t actually know why I put that. Ahhh well. I am hoping that it will turn into something full time as I do really need the money. If I get to keep this job it will secure me for quite a while and will mean I can start to enjoy life a little more and stop obsessing over money all the time.

I am very proud of myself. I was diagnosed with serve dyslexia almost 5 years ago now when I started Uni at Epsom and I have made my way through life all on my own with little to no help other than support from family and friends. I managed to get myself a National Diploma, Foundation Degree and a Degree and all of them are average or above grades which I am proud of considering how much I can struggle and how lazy I am.

I wish so much I could go back to Uni though. I mean it is nice having money and the like. but I miss the freedom the socialising and not being a full adult quite yet. Doing all day Monday to Friday still scares me. I want to have more time to myself, at the moment I wonder what the point of life is, if you spend 5 days a week sat in an office doing work that you don’t particularly want to do. Then I think it’s actually only 7.5 hours or 8.5 hours if you include lunch out of 24 hours. That leaves 15.5 hours of the day so I guess it’s not that bad. I should spend 8.5 hours at work and 8 hours sleeping and 7.5 hours socialising or doing what I want. Although that’s not including almost 2 hours of the day I throw away on driving to and from work. UGH! It’s scary to know that my life isn’t really that fun anymore.

On the plus side though, I have money now. I can buy things that I want and I can do things that I want (when I get time anyway :/) I guess now I can start to pay off my mountain of a debts and look at the possibility of getting a flat for me and Matt.

I got myself some LOVELY VANS the other day, they are the Hello Kitty ones and I want to wear them all day everyday!

I've also lost 3lbs this week which is great as I wanted to lose at least before the 8th of October, or before the 3rd really as that is when me and Matt are off to France, and then we come back on the 7th and my birthday is on the 8th.

They are so PRETTY! I think I am going to ask for another pair (a grey pair) for my birthday they are that comfy! It's annoying as the colour I have picked seems to be sold out almost everywhere but I found a shop on eBay even though they are £10 more boooo.

Anyway I shall end this here and I will just say it is an hour till Lunch and I CANNOT WAIT AS I AM STARVING HUNGRY! 

Byes