In the last year and the last few years things have changed
dramatically for me. I've wanted to kinda get this 'off my chest' for a while now.
Its always scary and seems like the biggest thing you've done, going to college, moving away to Uni. However when you have to join the adult world and everything in your life changes, literally everything that is the scariest thing.
Its always scary and seems like the biggest thing you've done, going to college, moving away to Uni. However when you have to join the adult world and everything in your life changes, literally everything that is the scariest thing.
So two years ago I was working towards finishing my degree.
I had one more month to get it all wrapped up and then I had my end of year
show and my graduation to attend (as well as the worse sun burn I have ever and
will ever have!!)
Although I was 23 I did not feel like an adult at all. I was
still a student and my future just seemed like a million miles off. I had been
saying ‘Oh I’m a student getting a degree’ for years and years…. Then it was
scary because within months I would have a degree and I would be chucked out
into the adult world and made to work five days a week.
But here I am second job of my career. A job I actually
really quite like (compared to the first job I had). My first job they knew and
I think they could see I was new to all this and nervous and pretty useless at
first.
Now I've gotten into the swing of things and I am treated
like an employee, where I am now and not like a child. I also feel much more
valued and in control.
So it’s scary to think where I was 2 years ago. 2014 is a
big change for me. New job, new outlook on life and saving saving saving to
hopefully have my own place by this time next year! I am so desperate now to
get out on my own with Matt. Have my own space and my own life.
My inner self has also changed which is partly to do with my
outer self. I go to the gym twice a week now. If you had told me that a few
years ago I would have LAUGHED in your face. I avoided any conversation with
the topic of working out and exercise. I was embarrassed I was so over weight and did no
exercise at all. I did nothing to look after my body.
Now I eat much better and I work out as hard as I can twice a week for an hour. I am beginning to really see the benefits. Plus before that I swam twice a week for an hour each time from August to November. So in 4 months’ time I would have been exercising and looking after myself for a year! I didn't know I could have the dedication or motivation to do that! The way I view myself is much better and higher than it used to be. I felt fat and ugly and just a useless lump. I still have ‘lump’ days but now my confidence and self-esteem has sky rocketed. I am working really hard on my mental balance with this at the moment. Although losing weight has been a MASSIVE factor in this, when I stop losing and plateau the insecurities creep back and the confidence slips. I will not allow this again, and I will keep the weight off and just focus on looking after myself now.
Now I eat much better and I work out as hard as I can twice a week for an hour. I am beginning to really see the benefits. Plus before that I swam twice a week for an hour each time from August to November. So in 4 months’ time I would have been exercising and looking after myself for a year! I didn't know I could have the dedication or motivation to do that! The way I view myself is much better and higher than it used to be. I felt fat and ugly and just a useless lump. I still have ‘lump’ days but now my confidence and self-esteem has sky rocketed. I am working really hard on my mental balance with this at the moment. Although losing weight has been a MASSIVE factor in this, when I stop losing and plateau the insecurities creep back and the confidence slips. I will not allow this again, and I will keep the weight off and just focus on looking after myself now.
Moving on to weight loss which is a massive thing to me...
In my first year at Uni I put on 2 stone when I got a new car and learnt to
drive. Laziness and the new found
freedom to go and buy food whenever and wherever I wanted was obviously too
tempting and I literally lost all confidence and love for myself. I started
wearing baggy clothes and black, a lot of black. Clothes started to become a
problem to buy too. I started to creep into plus size clothes and I never saw anything I liked. Although it is 'only' clothes, wearing things you don't like just to hide yourself begins to drag you down. You want to show off you and your personality and it's just hidden beneath so many negative thoughts.
So it was hoodies and clothes that I could hide in. I hated summer and enjoyed winter when I could pile on more layers. My doctor politely suggested if I could I could lose some weight and it was a kick in the bum. I started swimming, changed my eating habits and dropped 1-2stone. I got back to what I was more or less before I put on 2 stone. But it didn’t take long to get unhappy again and this 'change' didn't last long. Clothes were still a slight issue and I still felt like a ‘lump’ next to friends and family.
I hated it and when I was asked to be bridesmaid I was so excited to see my best friend get married. However the fear of looking for dresses washed over me quietly. The dresses that were picked were lovely, but they were WAY out of my comfort zone. I SQUEEZED into an 18 which was the largest size they did and when I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry. I am grateful for the dress bought for me and I am touched and grateful to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but the insecurities that I had just torn me apart inside a pure fear of wearing something that showed off everything I hated about myself rather than hiding it was terrifying. So I got it in my head a panic to lose 51lbs before the wedding. I did really well and lost over a stone in a few months but hit a massive road block with Matt. That was hard enough and I stopped losing weight alas. It gave me enough confidence to feel less fearful of showing parts of my body I hated off but it was still there in the back of my mind. (Although it was worth it to be Laura’s bridesmaid).
So it was hoodies and clothes that I could hide in. I hated summer and enjoyed winter when I could pile on more layers. My doctor politely suggested if I could I could lose some weight and it was a kick in the bum. I started swimming, changed my eating habits and dropped 1-2stone. I got back to what I was more or less before I put on 2 stone. But it didn’t take long to get unhappy again and this 'change' didn't last long. Clothes were still a slight issue and I still felt like a ‘lump’ next to friends and family.
I hated it and when I was asked to be bridesmaid I was so excited to see my best friend get married. However the fear of looking for dresses washed over me quietly. The dresses that were picked were lovely, but they were WAY out of my comfort zone. I SQUEEZED into an 18 which was the largest size they did and when I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry. I am grateful for the dress bought for me and I am touched and grateful to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but the insecurities that I had just torn me apart inside a pure fear of wearing something that showed off everything I hated about myself rather than hiding it was terrifying. So I got it in my head a panic to lose 51lbs before the wedding. I did really well and lost over a stone in a few months but hit a massive road block with Matt. That was hard enough and I stopped losing weight alas. It gave me enough confidence to feel less fearful of showing parts of my body I hated off but it was still there in the back of my mind. (Although it was worth it to be Laura’s bridesmaid).
Over the next year I did a bit of ‘healthy eating’/dieting on and off and lost around 20-30lbs in total (plus the bit before whne i first started) and in August last year I just kicked it into full
force. I was proud of myself and I felt amazing. I lost around another 1-2
stone. Anyway in total so far I have lost 5 stone. I have toned up and gained a
sense of pride for my body. I don’t feel any different and when I look in the mirror
I don’t see any difference either.
But I know there is a difference, I've gone from a dress size of around
18 to 14 or even sometimes a 12. My old clothes don’t fit and I have a new
sense of style, I want to try clothes that I have always a avoided for fear of
making me seem bigger. This winter just gone I rocked some jumpers and now I am
dress obsessed. The outfits I always felt to ugly to wear and feel like I can
wear them now and tbh I realise I could of worn them whenever I wanted to
because in actual fact I was never too ugly that was all in my head. I can now go shopping and rather
than not buying anything because nothing fits, instead it’s because I haven’t
seen anything I really like or that it did quite suit me the way I thought. I
have enough choice now I don’t feel the need to BUY IT BECAUSE IT FITS and
then buy it 4x over because once I wear it to death I won’t be able to find something
that fits that well again. There is a lot more choice for me now!
I have had a bit of a shopping SPLUR since the autumn.
People may laugh but DAMN IT I’M ALLOWED I earn my own money now and I
finally am buying clothes that I LOVE AND ADORE dressing in a style that I have
always wanted to dress in but shyed away from because of my lack of self-confidence,
plus there is much more choice for me now (and my old summer clothes no longer
fit). I threw out most my hoodies keeping only a few to lounge around in and
got in some skater skirts and dresses. I feel cute and girly now and I feel
pretty with a quirky edge to the way I look. I finally feel the way I have
always wished I felt. This is big for me after spending all my teenage years and
most my adult life HATING every inch of myself and WISHING so hard to be
someone else. To finally feel comfortable in my own skin and to have people
online comment on my dresses and hair; the way that I look at other people I admire
online just throws my confidence through the roof.
This is all come through self-confidence I found. I found
mine from growing up, proving I could get myself well educated with a degree,
prove that I can GET a job in design and do well at it! Then I the weight loss
and looking after my body has allowed me to wear what I’ve always wanted to
wear and be who I always wanted to be.
I do wish I could sit down with myself though and get this ‘loving
your body whatever way it is’ message into my head years ago. I don’t regret
losing weight and getting fitter, but I do regret how long I let myself hate me
for just because I didn’t like my body.
However 2014 is the year I WILL GO OUT in the summer with no
cardigan on and maybe no leggings on! It will be the year where I excel at my
new job, illustrate more and sell my designs. It will be the year I pay off
this DEBT that has been hanging over my head for years and years now and it
will be the year where I FINALLY look at getting my own place. It will be the
yeah I love myself and start my life.
