Le sigh.

I’m so frustrated. I want to start my life. Marriage, my own flat and getting rid of these massive debts that I have run up. These are the road blocks that I face. Matt doesn’t want to marry me. He says he wants to stay with me but this will be it now. No future no husband no kids. No one will give me a loan to consolidate my debt so I just keep paying large amounts of interest on all my debts but pay nothing off. And then I just can’t seem to afford a flat. I don’t even have any money behind me. I am going to start saving now. I started last week but I haven’t done amazingly at it. But from this day onwards I will only be spending money I have to spend. I would like to put AT LEAST £300-£500 a month away. It will be hard but I think I can do it. I worked out WE HAVE TO SPEND around £950 a month. Between me and Matt at the moment we earn £2,200ish possibly a bit more. That is £1,200ish a month that we spend of crap. That’s food and going out and clothes etc. If I did manage to put £300-£500 a month away I could pay at least half of this crap off in around 4 months…. And then in the next 6 months perhaps I could look at moving out maybe? I hope so anyway. I wish I would of started saving back in August but oh well lesson learnt again.

I guess with Christmas coming I have just enjoyed having money and not having to scrimp and save every bloody penny.

I must waste so much money of food too. £44 this week got me a week of food, lunch, breakfast and dinners. I then have wasted around £20 on two take aways. I dunno why I keep doing it. I have been good though. I sent back that bag and bought a new one for £6 instead of £50 and I’m not going to buy the Unicorn dress I want…. Because let’s face it I have 101 dresses and I never get to wear 90% of them (excluding the ones for work, but I don’t enjoy wearing them as I am usually going to work) and ok I only have a few dress I like to ‘go out’ in, I only go out about once a year so that doesn’t really matter. Cinema and shopping evenings I will put a stop to. Now and again will be ok but, only now and then. I will maybe buy some popcorn and 65p drink from tesco and watch films with Matt. That would cost around £1-£3 rather than £10-£30! That’s a pretty massive saving! And if I do that loads I could easily save money! I’m sure of it!

So Yeah I’m feeling pretty flat at the moment. I want everything to be better, but instead I have FUCKED my future up at the moment.

Today at work has been pretty shit. I haven’t really had much to do the last week and it makes the days go so slowly. I wish I was busy all the time. I would really rather be busy busy than spending large portions of my days doing nothing or trying to find things to do.!

Anyway there is only 25 minutes left (of just over) of the day I can’t wait to get home. Well I can, I just like sitting on my own at the moment, so I can’t wait to sit alone in my car for 45 mins on the way home.

I’m not feeling great right now and I’m pretty heart broken :(